EMDR "Rules" I Bend as an EMDRIA-Approved Consultant

4 EMDR "Rules" I Bend as an EMDRIA-Approved Consultant

As an EMDRIA-approved consultant specializing in perinatal mental health, reproductive trauma, and adults healing from earlier developmental and relational trauma, I spend a lot of time helping therapists bridge the gap between what they learned in Basic Training and what actually happens in the therapy room.

The protocol matters. Understanding the "why" behind it matters even more.

Over the years, there are a few EMDR "rules" I've become much less rigid about—not because I don't value them, but because I care more about helping clients move through the work than getting every step to look perfect.

1. Waiting for the "perfect" therapy setup.

Would I love for every client to have a quiet room with no interruptions? Of course.

But life—especially for parents—is messy.

I've done EMDR with clients on their lunch break in the car. I've done EMDR knowing a baby might wake up from a nap at any minute. I've done EMDR with clients squeezing therapy into the only hour they have all week.

If we wait for perfect conditions, sometimes we never get started.

2. Spending too much time finding the "perfect" negative cognition.

The NC matters. I absolutely teach it.

But sometimes sessions start to feel more like we're trying to solve a puzzle than helping someone process.

Often, once processing begins, the belief that's truly driving the distress becomes much clearer. I'd rather stay connected to the client than spend twenty minutes debating whether the "right" NC is I'm not good enough or I'm powerless.

3. Getting stuck trying to choose the "perfect" first target.

Yes, we learn first, worst, and most recent.

Yes, clearing feeder memories is important.

But one of my own consultants once told me something I've never forgotten:

"You can usually get to most trees no matter which entrance you choose into the forest."

That completely changed how I think about target selection.

Sometimes there is one obvious place to begin. Other times, there are several good options. I'd rather help a client start processing than spend session after session searching for the perfect doorway.

4. Obsessing over getting the SUD to exactly zero.

Do I think it's important to clear a target as completely as possible? Absolutely.

But I've also found that clients can become surprisingly focused on the numbers—especially when we're moving back and forth between a 0–10 SUD scale and a 1–7 VOC scale.

I often tell clients:

"I love when your SUD gets down to a 1 or even a 0 in here. But that means very little to me if you come back next week feeling exactly the same."

What matters most is what happens outside the therapy room.

Are you responding differently to your partner? Are you less reactive with your kids? Are you sleeping better? Is your body responding differently to triggers?

That's the outcome I'm really measuring.

The protocol gives us the map. Experience, curiosity, and good consultation help us learn when—and how—to bend without losing our way.